Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
