That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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