So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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