he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
