did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
