Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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