farters have to be the big spoon...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
