If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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