I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
