How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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