Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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