I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize