how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
