Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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