Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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