saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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