life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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