grandma shit on top of the toilet
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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