It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
