I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize