dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
