my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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