I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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