is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
