I can text with my tongue
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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