you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just invented taco cereal.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
