Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
