he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
