i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
