A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
