I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
