I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
a search helicopter?!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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