Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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