i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize