im gay
i know
yea but for you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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