Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
