You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
