I can text with my tongue
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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