she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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