yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
