Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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