Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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