Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
