the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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