i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
