Pappa wants mamma naked
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
