Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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