while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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