I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
