i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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