I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
