I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize