True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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