11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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