It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
