I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
