i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
