Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
zippers are such a cool invention
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
