You're my little dorito
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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