my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
