i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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