I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
