we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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