Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
