Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
