I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
